Mental

"How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time."  The above quote is a paraphrase of an African proverb.  Most of us, through conversation, or entertainment mediums, have encountered the phrase "Let's address the elephant in the room." in some form or variation. Elephants are the largest living land animals on the Earth.  The largest, African Bush Elephant, are 11 feet tall and weight 13,000 pounds.  They are massive.  My mind goes first to the physical space this enormous animal would fill.  Then to the unpleasant smell of an animals that large being in the same room as myself.  How could anyone ignore that?  But that is exactly what people do with the metaphorical elephant, their problems.  The image of an elephant in the room is used to speak of some issue or problem that is effecting a person or a group of people, but not being talked about.  As humans we are often too overwhelmed or busy to take time to really ...

"You must choose to take tiny, positive, strategic steps forward everyday." ~Allyson Lewis~ Right now is the hardest time for me.  The holidays can and do bring a lot of pain as well as fond memories.  Along with the happy thoughts of baking pies with my mom and smelling the delicious aromas from the kitchen, the sights of lights going up and memories of hanging cherubs on the tree with my little brother come the realization that I no longer have either in my life.  This is the worst part of my version of chronic depression.  It taints the happy with the sad.    This year has been a little different.  Instead of the happy being diminished by the sad and the depression going deeper and deeper, the depression and sadness is being lessened by new positive interactions and making steps forward.  It's little things, like enlisting the help of my roommate and long time friend by asking, "What chore is vital to be done today to make things...

Most  of us cringe at the word.  We do everything we possibly can to avoid failure.  It has been ingrained in our cores that losses and incomplete attempts are fails.  It effects us negatively and we feel somehow less than others whom we deem to have succeeded.  In September, I began working at a local non-profit.  Last week, I was fired.  I felt my spirit sink as I sat with  my supervisor.  She expected me to say something, but what could I say?  The decision had been made and I knew the job was not where I really wanted to be.  Still, I felt this deep sense of loss and familiar feeling of failure creep into me. As I drove home, I thought about my time there.  I had helped change some things.  I had met some really great people.   I had confronted some of my demons and I had gotten some of my debts under control.  Instead of crawling into bed and laying there for a week or more like I did las...

The above quote is by Indian civil rights leader, Mahatma Gandhi.  He is famous for his acts of non-violent protest performed to sway policies and government laws regarding the rights of the disenfranchised. Recently, I began working for a local non-profit organization.  It uses a "housing first" model to help homeless people first get into safe stable housing, then address their physical, mental health and addiction needs.  The program I work out of is permanent supported housing for those with mental illness. Yesterday evening I was in the grocery store, speaking with one of my favorite cashiers about my job.  As I left the parking lot in my car, my mind was on the residents I interact with and how so many have these beliefs that people choose homelessness as a lifestyle.  They have no idea the barriers to housing and employment these individuals face.  As I drove, Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" began to play.   I remember hearing...

"How could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?"   ~Nietzsche~ In ancient Greek mythology, there was a creature that would live for a time, be consumed in flames and be born again from the ashes.  They never truly died.  These were the phoenix's. In life, there are times we feel like we have failed or are utterly deflated and defeated. When I first learned I could no longer work or go to school due to my disabilities, I felt useless.  I became dependent on social security (SSI- for my non-American readers, this is a government welfare program for disabled people with a strict wage limit). It felt like I had died.                             For a long while, I was able to live on the wages, as long as I had a roommate who also received wages of some kind.  There were times it was a very meager existence and there were times it was pleasant.  I was doing ...

Yesterday, there was a shooting at a library in Clovis, New Mexico. (Clovis had a population of 39,373,  as of  2017.) A 16 year old boy shot 6 people.  2 female victims died.  This is according to the 8 pm (NM time) press conference I listened to yesterday. Many people were responding to the news story as it developed and I noticed two things. 1) There were a lot of people using shocked language (i.e. OMG!) and 2) people, strangers not even from the area, were chiming in with opinions, some of which were very unkind or judgmental. A friend of mine is a teacher in the area and is directly affected by this.  Out of respect for her and others effected by this, I am not giving details of how she was or was not involved.   It is along these lines that I am writing this blog post. October 1, 2015, my world was flipped upside down by a shooting on my former campus. The speech and opinions of those who knew nothing of my school and the community...

Sometimes I feel like I am completely incapable of contributing to the world around me. I think of myself as broken and needy. After all, how can someone who needs so much help in life be helpful or useful to others? A long time ago a friend gave me a copy of the book "The Blessings of Brokenness: Why God Allows Us to go Through Hard Times"  by Charles Stanley. (The book is written from the Christian faith perspective but I think the general message of faith and taking the long view of the situation can apply to anyone.) This book really helped me see how the trials I go through are teaching me how to help other navigate their trials. Had I not struggled with being mental, I would not know the things I do about navigating mental health, social services, and other agencies.  I would not have the skills I do in self-care, mindfulness and Dialectic Behavior Therapy.  I might be much more judgmental and less kind to those who experience mental illness and the issues t...

“Being safe is about being seen and heard and allowed to be who you are and to speak your truth.” ~Rachel Naomi Remen~  Most of us know what the basic human needs are for survival.   1) Water.   2) Food.  3) Shelter.   Once these needs are met, we have what we need to live with on the most basic level of survival.   When our physical safety is met, we are able to move on to the emotional aspect of being human.   Not only do we need to be safe in the physical sense, we need to FEEL safe emotionally.   This goes beyond our basic needs. What is emotional safety? From what I have learned, there are two main aspects of emotional safety.  The first part is that our emotions are safe.  To me, this means that the emotional state I experience is not causing me harm or impeding my basic survival. It means that I have healthy levels of fear, sadness, anxiety, love, and anger.  In addition, emotional safety means that ...

"Isolation is the worst possible counselor." ~Miguel de Unamuno~     As some of you may already know, mindfulness is about paying attention, on purpose, in the moment.  That means listening to your body, your emotions, or thoughts with intention and focus or in some cases it means shutting out external stimuli.     One aspect of mental illness is usually intense emotions or feelings that persist and cause a disruption in the normal functioning of a person.  Many times, it is fear or depression, in some cases it is anger.  This is the way we typically think of people with mental illness. Something inside (emotion or thoughts or hallucinations) become too much to handle and this exhibits in mental illness.  What also happens with some forms of mental illness is that a disconnect can happen.     For me, this disconnect happens because I “shut down”.  I am hypersensitive much of the time.  Sound, light,...

"Animals share with us the privilege of having a soul."  ~Pythagoras~  Those who know me, know I believe that animals are just as much a part of our lives as children are. They are living creatures we can bond with and nurture and provide us with endless joy and support. In 2006 , I earned the Animals Care Specialist Certificate from PDCI (now Ashworth College).  All my life, animals have been both a responsibility and a source of comfort and healing for me.   Currently I have a 7 year old female brown tabby named Savannah.  She is my emotional support animal and diabetic alert cat.  I've had her for over 6 years of her life.  The way she came to me is a story I think is worth telling. While I lived in Tucson, Arizona, I began going through a patch of deep depression.  I had left behind all my cats and my dog had been given to his previous owner because the stairs were getting too much for him..  My lovely partner said she woul...

"I know where I want to go, that's up to me I might not be there yet, you know,  but I will be There's always something in the way if you let it stop you" ~Knocked Out~  by Delta Goodrem There are days I have enough energy and focus to fly to the moon but there are other days that just getting out of bed or sitting up to take medication uses all I have and leaves a deficit.  I have recurring/chronic Major Depressive Disorder, moderate to severe.  This is the diagnosis that lead to my reliance on social security.  Sometimes I struggle just to get out of bed. Other times I actively want to die, not that I want to commit suicide, but I don't want to live and don't feel invested in life.  It makes it really difficult to care about seemingly simple things like cooking, cleaning (especially), and bathing.  I appear pretty together, with the exception of my almost constant wearing of bandannas to hide unwashed hair, when I am outside of my apartme...

I've been working through mental health issues for a long time. I have often been left on my own to sort through it all or bullied because of them.  In 2015 I decided to rejoin the workforce after a long time on Social Security benefits.  I was terrified but I knew I could no longer exist on the small wage the government paid me.  I was actually hired to two positions.  One at fast food and one with a nonprofit organization that works to educate, prevent, and aid in domestic violence situations.  Once trained by the non profit, I began working.  Quickly, my 20 hours a week became more like 30-40.  It was thrilling and exhausting.  Then, after 10 months with the organization, I was terminated.  It was a massive blow to me as the other areas of my life had also been falling apart.  Work was my happy place and I counted on that to be stable. My co-workers and bosses assured me that this was not a failure.  I had done a good job a...

"You can do something. Your choice is not made for you. You are not your choices. You CAN make a different choice."     Today I met with a woman who works for a local non-profit.  The goals of this non-profit are to provide girls with a healthy, safe, and empowering environment that nurtures strengths based skills and therapy practices and raises awareness of issues that effect girls and teens.   One of the ways they do this is through education in schools 5th-12 grades. Topics for the school based curriculum include: Bullying, sexting, sexual harassment, healthy dating relationships, domestic violence prevention, media and body image, and any other issues schools ask to be discussed.     If you have been following my blog, you know that self-harm and suicide have touched my life recently.  In light of the suicide of my niece Trinity, and that of another area student in recent months, I asked if the organization ever educated on self-harm a...

Grief is greedy, it takes your happiness, your sleep, your appetite and your energy. Grief is a thief. It robs you of the will to function and the ability to relate to others.   Grief is like solitary. Everyone experiences it alone, even among a group grieving the same event.  Grief is a web. Tangled and inconsistent.  It turns back on itself and is never a clear path from beginning to end. Grief is a survival tool. Without the process and experience. our minds and bodies would go into shock.  Grief is a journey. And like any journey, the more you take the trip and go through the scenery and landmarks, the easier it is to find our way through it.      June 4th, 2017, I lost someone very dear to me. She had been not just my best friend for over 10 years but my romantic partner for much of that.  Some will diminish what I am feeling by saying "It was only online. You never met in person." Others have acknowledged the special relationsh...

"Everybody's got a dark side. Do you love me?  Can you love mine? Nobody's a picture perfect But we're worth it You know that we're worth it Will you love me? Even with my dark side?" "Dark Side" ~Kelly Clarkson     By this time, if you have been following my blog, you might be wondering if all my posts will be light and fluffy or informative. I have made an effort to make my posts both helpful and truthful at the same time.  The reality of mental illness, like any journey, is that there are dark parts.  There are times when wishful thinking and positive thoughts are not going to cut it. Sometimes, the ugly of being mental is what needs to be expressed.  Aspects of mental illness can be triggering to others and uncomfortable in ourselves. Depression is one of those uncomfortable aspects of mental illness.  For me, it is the bulk of my illness.       Most people have experienced some form of  depression in res...

"Serenity Prayer" ~Reinhold Niebuhr~ "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."     Most of us are probably familiar with this prayer.  It is used in addiction recovery groups and as a source of hope for those facing difficult times.  The words seem to resonate with most people and certainly have for me in my life.  There is one aspect of this prayer I have been learning more about recently.   ACCEPTANCE.     I'm not talking about the passive acquiescence that means you've given up or given in.   I am talking about the conscious choice to no longer resist the reality of a situation.  I know this is a difficult concept for some people.  Most of us have been raised in a culture that ingrained in us a sense of justice and when something shakes our core, we want to rise up and resist.  Acceptance (Radical Acceptance, to be...

According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control), the second leading cause of death (in the U.S.) for teens and young adults (ages 12-19) is suicide.  https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/adolescent-health.htm#     Earlier this week, I watched the Netflix series, "13 Reasons Why."  It is based on a book by the same name, written by Jay Asher.  The story is about a high school girl, Hannah Baker, who experiences some things that impact her deeply.  In the end, she takes her own life. (A warning note here, the series doesn't shy away from the ugly topics including teenage drinking, death, abuse, rape, and suicide and contains scenes that could be triggering or very hard to watch in some episodes.)     You may be wondering why I am writing about this in my blog, how it relates to me.  In January of this year, my 14 year old niece took her own life.  She died in a senseless and violent way and it left me reeling.  In the followi...