Step by Step

"You must choose to take tiny, positive, strategic steps forward everyday."
~Allyson Lewis~

Right now is the hardest time for me.  The holidays can and do bring a lot of pain as well as fond memories.  Along with the happy thoughts of baking pies with my mom and smelling the delicious aromas from the kitchen, the sights of lights going up and memories of hanging cherubs on the tree with my little brother come the realization that I no longer have either in my life.  This is the worst part of my version of chronic depression.  It taints the happy with the sad.   

This year has been a little different.  Instead of the happy being diminished by the sad and the depression going deeper and deeper, the depression and sadness is being lessened by new positive interactions and making steps forward. 

It's little things, like enlisting the help of my roommate and long time friend by asking, "What chore is vital to be done today to make things easier in the apartment."  and committing to doing the chore she says will be the most helpful for that day.  It's setting a sleep and wake schedule and sticking to it by checking in with an accountability partner at a set time every single day.  It's reconnecting with others in the way that you enjoy the most (for me, I like to write letters or have a phone call).  These are all tiny steps forward.

 "In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step backward into safety." ~Abraham Maslow~  

The above quote reminds us that there is always an option, a choice to make.  I know the nature of depression and anxiety (as well as other mental health conditions and physical challenges) can make it incredibly hard to find the choice in a situation.  It is the nature of what we face as mental.  It is not always easy to make the choice that moves us forward.  I would love nothing more than to cut and feel that release or to stay in bed and do nothing for weeks but those are steps back that lead me into ever worsening depression.  Those are my easy choices.  The hard choice, for me, is to move forward.


I know, from personal experience, that taking steps forward is a risk.  In September I accepted a job.  The pay helped me get some debts under control and some much needed repairs on my car done.  I was pushing forward, exhausted each day.  Then I started getting sick.  First a touch of pneumonia, then a concussion that I am still suffering the effects of.  I had flashbacks seeing meth-psychosis in person and then I got really sick in October.  (My lungs are still healing from this) My employment was terminated. Talk about 100 steps forward and 99 back! But the difference between this shove back and the one I had before I started this blog (better known as my previous M.O.) is this. Previous me would have allowed myself to get blown backwards beyond where I had started.  It would have been more like 100 steps forward and 500 back.  This time, I was able to maintain and even gain ground.  I have regained at least 10 of those 100 steps so far.  

It is not easy.  It is not a solo effort.  My family, friends, therapist and doctor are on my team.  My tribe cheers me on, holds me accountable and validates my efforts. They remind me that even baby steps are forward motion and I find myself being able to be satisfied with that forward motion.  That hard fought, earned forward motion.

So, when the end goal seems too far ahead and you feel like you are being pushed back at every turn, look behind you and see how far you've come.   Remind yourself that falling on your face is still moving forward.  Get up, dust yourself off, listen to the cheers of your tribe and start inching forward once more.  





*If you are interested in a tool to help you measure your forward motion, please take some time to read and watch the videos at Super Better. It's not for everyone but it might just work for you!*

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