Forgiveness: A Monu-Mental Task.

"The greatest gift you can give yourself is forgiveness."

~Unknown~

    Sometimes it's easy to forget that, though we are responsible for our actions, being mental is not our fault.  It is not a life choice or a career path we planned to take.  I tend to be a very forgiving person when it comes to the offenses of others.  (That is part of the reason the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder was given to me.)  The person I have the most difficulty forgiving is the most important person for me to forgive. Me.

    Why on Earth would I need to forgive myself?  Well, for starters, the way aspects of my mental health and personality present can be a little off putting.  I take up a lot of emotional space sometimes.  I can lack thoughtfulness and I offend or hurt people unintentionally.  There is a certain social awkwardness that is more than just awkward.  If I can forgive these things in others that I know have mental health issues, why should I not offer myself that same grace? (I used to tell others "Crazy doesn't count." when they felt embarrassed or ashamed of their behavior.)  Why wouldn't I also be worthy of forgiveness?
    When I feel the pressure of my mistakes and see my choices leading my life in a direction that is not where I wanted it to go, I get anxious.  The world feels like it is crashing down on me.  I live in a state of constant worry and depression.  Some of this is a natural response to making a mistake or feeling stress but, with me, it is intense and long lasting.  It beings to control my life, replacing confidence with irrational fears and motivation with depression.
    What I have found, through learning to be mindful of my emotions and learning accept that things happen, is that I can head this off.  I can acknowledge the mistake, take responsibility for the consequences and then forgive myself.  If I do this, sometimes repeatedly, I can head off the spiraling anxiety and depression.  This is why forgiveness is the greatest gift I can give myself.
    Forgiveness, true forgiveness, allows me to move past the emotional part of a situation.  I can process and accept the consequences instead of being overwhelmed by the feelings stemming from it. If I have forgiven myself, it no longer has control over me.
    As with any skill, forgiveness takes practice.  I am still a novice at forgiving myself. (Sometimes I have to repeatedly forgive myself for the same things.)  Instead of allowing yourself to dwell on the negative or putting yourself down for making a mistake or mishandling a situation, give yourself the gift of forgiveness.  It may make all the difference in the way you live your life.  It has for me.