"All the King's Horses and All the King's Men..."

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, 
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again."
~Mother Goose~

    In 2012, I was living with my then wife in Tucson, Arizona.  There had been some issues in our relationship that made things very difficult.  By October she had left and refused to return to our apartment until I left.  It was a shock to me.  I had one day to plan for me and my emotional support animal to leave.  I was heartbroken.  The ground beneath me had been ripped away and I was free falling.  

     My cat and I got on a plane and headed to Georgia.  I didn't understand at the time that I was more than heart broken.  I was mentally broken.  I became afraid of everything.  Walking alone, taking a bus, talking to people.  I was depressed.  Depressed enough, I could barely get up off the floor at one point.  Like Humpty Dumpty, I was in pieces and didn't know how to put myself together again.

    Eventually, I moved back to Oregon.  I lived with my sister and her kids and then with my dad.  Slowly I learned to take care of myself and perform basic tasks again.  I was buying a car and felt less trapped by the freedom it gave me.  I was no longer dependent on transportation programs or limited by walking distance.  I got into therapy and started working with Vocational Rehabilitation Services to find a job.  (Living solely on SSI was not enough for me to afford to move out of my Dad's house.)

    I didn’t get to that point on my own. I had people online who helped me immensely during my brokenness.  Some were old friend who had known me for years, some were new and very generous with their time and encouragement.  One dear friend was with me the entire journey.  She made an extra effort to help me find myself again.  She helped me heal.  Spent time with me on my fall apart days and reminded me to do simple things like “breathe”, eat, shower, and take medication until I could remember to do them on my own.  As I healed. I began to think it was possible for me to do more than just survive.  I applied to a local non-profit and was hired on at the safehouse for survivors of intimate partner violence.

    There are still times I feel that frightening, chaotic Humpty Dumpty brokenness.  I get overwhelmed and irrational fears set in.  But I am no longer in pieces.  Even though the king’s horses and men didn’t put me together, each person and service and skill taught me things that allowed me to become functional.  I was reminded daily and repeatedly that I matter.  I reminded myself too.  So, in a way, those who loved and supported me gave me the glue, the balm, I needed.  I just had to gather the pieces and put them back in place.

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