Dark Side

"Everybody's got a dark side.

Do you love me? 

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?"
"Dark Side" ~Kelly Clarkson

    By this time, if you have been following my blog, you might be wondering if all my posts will be light and fluffy or informative. I have made an effort to make my posts both helpful and truthful at the same time.  The reality of mental illness, like any journey, is that there are dark parts.  There are times when wishful thinking and positive thoughts are not going to cut it. Sometimes, the ugly of being mental is what needs to be expressed.  Aspects of mental illness can be triggering to others and uncomfortable in ourselves. Depression is one of those uncomfortable aspects of mental illness.  For me, it is the bulk of my illness.  

    Most people have experienced some form of  depression in response to an event that had a profound impact.  Depression, in a healthy mind, usually lasts a short time and then is resolved.  For those who experience depression as a mental illness (or a part of their mental illness), this is not the case.  Depression is not an emotion, like sadness.  It is a profound feeling of nothingness.  Interest in hobbies, life events, relationships and sources of enjoyment wanes.  Depending on the severity of the depressive episode, the person may be unable to tend to their basic needs such as food and hygiene.  This is not laziness.  This is not wallowing.  This is a chemical reaction in the brain.   Too much serotonin is being reabsorbed, leaving an inability to experience enjoyment of and interest in life.  While there is often an emotional trigger, chronic depression (and depression that doesn't resolve through the grieving process), is a chemical issue. This is the dark side. 

    Admittedly, it is difficult to love a depressed person.  It's hard to understand what caused the depression. Especially when, as my dear friend has often pointed out to me, things are going well in my life. The reality is that there is not a "reason".  Something happened, exhaustion, illness, a medication or food interaction and there isn't enough free serotonin in the brain.  The usually pleasurable activities are no longer interesting.   To the partner, friend or family member, it seems like we are lazy or making a big deal out of nothing to get attention.  To the depressed person, life is too much, too hard and nothing matters.  There is no pleasure response, no sense of enjoyment, only that darkness. 

  

    The above quote is fairly accurate from my personal experience.  You want the depression to end but you aren't sure how to end it or when it will end.  Sometimes you can overcome it through talk therapy, changing sleep patterns or other means.  Other times you need medication or a change in medication to change your brain chemistry.  It can be frustrating and scary to live in a depressed state, especially when our well-meaning loved ones ask the "reason" or how will it be "fixed" and there is no answer.

    I think this is why it is so hard to love someone with depression and to understand it.  By educating our loved ones about depression, we can make it easier, at least academically, for them to understand. Some people will always struggle with being unable to comprehend the reality of chronic depression and other depression disorders.  It is up to us, as mentally ill people, to determine who in our lives will be allies and who will be our adversaries. It is our further job, for our own sanity, to decide  if it is worth the energy to attempt to educate them or if they will not understand, no matter how much we want them to.  

    When depression persists, it is hard to feel much of anything.  It is human nature to want to be loved.  The best way to support a depressed person is to be there.  Be present.  Listen, if they want to talk.  Sit with them if they want to be quiet.  But most importantly, do not blame them for their illness. We are doing our best, sometimes we need a little extra understanding and patience from our loved ones.  In the end, the question lingers for many of us.  "Will you love me, even with my dark side?"