Mentally Disconnected

"Isolation is the worst possible counselor."

~Miguel de Unamuno~

    As some of you may already know, mindfulness is about paying attention, on purpose, in the moment.  That means listening to your body, your emotions, or thoughts with intention and focus or in some cases it means shutting out external stimuli.

    One aspect of mental illness is usually intense emotions or feelings that persist and cause a disruption in the normal functioning of a person.  Many times, it is fear or depression, in some cases it is anger.  This is the way we typically think of people with mental illness. Something inside (emotion or thoughts or hallucinations) become too much to handle and this exhibits in mental illness.  What also happens with some forms of mental illness is that a disconnect can happen.

    For me, this disconnect happens because I “shut down”.  I am hypersensitive much of the time.  Sound, light, temperature, emotions, memory recall; it is all in overdrive 90% of the time.  When I am unable to get some sort of break from the internal and external stimuli, I become unable to function.  It’s like a switch inside is turned and I go numb.  This usually happens with emotion.  I just stop being able to react, at all.  I disconnect from all that is making life unbearable for me.  Sometimes I have to turn out the lights, climb under a sheet, play loud music in my earbuds, wear earplugs, or sit in the shower with the water moving over my head.

    Depriving my senses of stimulation allows me to deal with the racing thoughts or intrusive memories.  It allows me to be mindful about my emotions.  Other times, I let the physical sensations, like petting my emotional support animal or using deep breathing to shut off the emotional state.  Very rarely, I disconnect from both.

    It is at times that I climb inside myself and shut the world out that I am doing the worst.  I don’t bathe or eat. If I do talk there is little or no emotion.  I just sit in silence or sleep.  I feel numb or at least a lot less of my other emotions. I cannot cry and sometimes I even no longer feel physical pain (not in the good way of relief from the pain but in the numb, not caring way).  This is a dangerous disconnect that can lead to a very dark place.

    I get behind in chores, my body becomes weaker, I often end up ill either before this disconnect or during it.  It becomes a cycle of disconnect, return to self, being overwhelmed, and disconnecting.  When it gets this bad, I often need help from someone outside myself to get back on track. I need my tribe to help me heal and remind me that I have tools for these things. That I know the skills and can function again.

    The next time you feel you are disconnecting or someone points out that they feel you are less than present, take a minute and find one of your support system to talk to.  If you don’t have the skills you need to remain healthy, ask them to teach you or direct you to someone you can.  Not all of us respond to life events the same way.  We are not always working with the same set of tools or skills. If you find you are disconnected to the point of a dangerous zone, reach out and accept the help that is offered. In this way you can learn the difference between a healthy disconnect that permits you to cope with things in small doses and an unhealthy disconnect that leads to a dark cycle.