Mental Workings

I've been working through mental health issues for a long time. I have often been left on my own to sort through it all or bullied because of them.  In 2015 I decided to rejoin the workforce after a long time on Social Security benefits.  I was terrified but I knew I could no longer exist on the small wage the government paid me.  I was actually hired to two positions.  One at fast food and one with a nonprofit organization that works to educate, prevent, and aid in domestic violence situations.  Once trained by the non profit, I began working.  Quickly, my 20 hours a week became more like 30-40.  It was thrilling and exhausting.  Then, after 10 months with the organization, I was terminated.  It was a massive blow to me as the other areas of my life had also been falling apart.  Work was my happy place and I counted on that to be stable.

My co-workers and bosses assured me that this was not a failure.  I had done a good job and brought so much to the organization.   I had been out of the work force for 12 years, this was my first professional job... That was not at all how it felt to me.  It felt like I had fallen on my face and not caught myself at all.  At this time, I lost my housing as well and so I was really in a rut. Fortunately, I was able to stay in a weekly rate hotel (thanks to aid from good friends and odd jobs).  I was depressed, scared, and frustrated.  I tried, repeatedly, to find work and was met with rejection after rejection.  Then I realized I had to stop looking.  I was in no shape to work and help others. I had to sort out my own mental and physical health.

I had been on wait lists for housing and in October 2016, I moved into my apartment.  While homeless and shortly after moving away, I was dropped from mental health services and had stopped seeing my physician due to the distance. It was in really poor condition.  I doubted I could even function in public at times. This is the curse of the combination of depression and anxiety I experience along with physical health conditions.

Since then, I have gotten back into medical and mental health services and began working with Vocational Rehabilitation Services again.  My confidence has been really shaken and though I have applied for jobs and am working with a career developer, I feel wholly inadequate for positions that my body and mind can handle. In the past month I had some cognitive issues that gave me some trouble and raised concern  but I am much doing better now.

Currently, I am in the process of applying to an organization that is very dear to my heart. The more I learn about them and what they do in the community, the more I want to work for them.  How will it affect me if I am not hired?  I'm not sure.  I will be disappointed.   But when I am calm, when I am focused and I look at my resume and experiences, I know I am capable.  I have had a lot of training and love people and learning.  I also know I am good at what I do and I have a lot to offer.  I have skills and experience that will be an asset to any place I work.

Yes I am mental.  Yes, I struggle with my conditions at times.  But I have a support system and I have learned how to manage my symptoms.  I have learned how to recognize when medications or therapy are helping or hindering my progress.  And I have learned how to step back and take care of myself when I get overwhelmed.

Working will always provide challenges to me,  as I will always have these mental health issues in my life.  But being mentally ill doesn't mean I cannot succeed.  I will find the right position at the right time and it will be because of the struggles I have faced that I succeed.