Depressively Anxious

"I know where I want to go, that's up to me

I might not be there yet, you know,  but I will be

There's always something in the way if you let it stop you"
~Knocked Out~ 

by Delta Goodrem

There are days I have enough energy and focus to fly to the moon but there are other days that just getting out of bed or sitting up to take medication uses all I have and leaves a deficit. 

I have recurring/chronic Major Depressive Disorder, moderate to severe.  This is the diagnosis that lead to my reliance on social security.  Sometimes I struggle just to get out of bed. Other times I actively want to die, not that I want to commit suicide, but I don't want to live and don't feel invested in life.  It makes it really difficult to care about seemingly simple things like cooking, cleaning (especially), and bathing.  I appear pretty together, with the exception of my almost constant wearing of bandannas to hide unwashed hair, when I am outside of my apartment.  Most people never see this part of me in more than a glimpse. But those who live with me and speak to me on a regular basis see the effects.  I appear lazy or like I don't care.  I am unable to receive advice, feedback, or positivity.  I will shoot down or reason why the best advice or solutions will not work or just shut down completely and seem to have completely given up on myself and the world.

In addition to this depression, I experience generalized anxiety disorder.  This issue was manifested as stage fright or nerves when I was younger but after a hospitalization at a Texas state mental hospital in my 20's, it became intense and irrational fear, panic attacks, and sometimes paranoia.  I had always had difficulty with being truly spontaneous (with exception of angry outbursts or hyperactive moments.) and the anxiety made it really hard for me to do enjoyable things, like take a day trip on the spur of the moment or go out to a restaurant I didn't know well.  At one point, after a mental break down, I was completely reliant on my legally blind friend to even get on a bus in a small area.  It was paralyzing and terrifying.  It took so much energy that I was drained by mid-day. 

Depression and anxiety have often been referred to as siblings or two sides of the same coin.  I would say they are best personified by  a Janus coin. With the coin, one side represents benevolence  and the other represents malevolence.  With the the disorder coin, anxiety has one face and depression as another face. Sometimes, if you are really unfortunate, the disorder coin stands on it's edge and you get to experience both faces at the same time.  The natures of both depression and anxiety causes isolation and avoidance.  I am very much an extrovert, a person that is recharged by being around and interacting with other people.  This can lead to a complete drain of my energy/drive and will to function.

Another aspect of my personality is hypersensitivity.  Sound, thoughts, emotions, smell, light, taste, touch - I experience it all intensely.   All that sensory excitement and emotional intensity can be both exciting and exhausting. While the anxiety is much less intense and frequent and the depression seems to be cyclical, when something out of my normal happens it can derail me for quite some time.

The change could be in the form of a more intense schedule, the loss of a relationship (through death or falling out), physical illness or injury.  These things would stress mentally healthy people at least a bit but they are able to recover and cope fairly quickly.  For me, it can lead to  physical illnesses worsening, motivation dropping off, the need for comfort and reassurance increases, much to the chagrin of those closest to me, ones who have seen me capable, strong, and resilient.  I seem to lose my sense of capability and any desire to improve the situation that is making me miserable.  The effort it takes me to function on good days is now more than I am able to put forth.  I lean heavily on people and this strains the dynamic of the relationship (friendship, partner or family). I can appear lazy, not invested, or unappreciative of those helping me. It often leads to the person stepping back or completely away from me, to me becoming emotionally dependent on them, or both.  It's a cycle that has repeated itself throughout my late teen and adult life.                

Though I have become more aware of the triggers and when I am spiraling through Mindfulness and Dialectic Behavior Therapy skills, I still struggle deeply.  I don't always catch it before I am in the midst of depression or anxiety and I often need the help of an outsider who regularly interacts with me to let me know if I am accurately reading a situation or if it is skewed by my current mental state.  
I have so much I want to do in this life.  My mental health often stops me in my tracks.  But I know where I want to be. I know what my greatest desire is in this life.  I also know, though it's difficult and there are obstacles, I will eventually get there.  Being mental is part of me but it does not dictate my path.  As my issues resolve and develop, I continue learning new ways to function and move past. It is an exhausting journey at times, but I will get there as long as I don't allow myself to give up on those dreams and goals.  I can come to a road block in the journey and find a way past this depressively anxious wall.  And when I do, you, my friends, family, support network, and readers will celebrate with me.