Screaming Silence



The image above says, " I have come so far. I have done so much to get where I am. Although I know I will have setbacks, I know I will have days where I absolutely fail. I will never give up.  I deserve health. I deserve happiness. I deserve a day with absolutely no pain.  We will get there.  On day we will find a cure." 

Many people live with invisible and chronic illnesses.  I live with chronic pain.  Most people who know me, know only about my knee or back.  They were two of my most serious injuries over the years.  What most people don't know is that my entire body is wracked with pain.  Something ALWAYS hurts.  It could be my head, my knee, my stomach, my shoulders or every muscle or joint all at once.  Every injury has left me with permanent pain issues.  Some days the pain is just barely there and I can ignore it for the most part.  Other days it's impossible to concentrate or move with out groaning from the intensity of the pain.

Last week, I was able to wear a knew kind of knee brace.  I am walking around on a knee that needs replaced but I am not old enough to qualify so this brace, which was hard fought for, is the stop gap to help with mobility.  I wore my brace for a few hours then took it off (as instructed).  My DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) skills group starts with mindfulness.  Usually I am squirming, screaming inside with the pain I feel, as we go through the mindfulness exercise.   I was completely free of pain in my knee for half an hour.  It was such a relief; a much needed break from the constant bombardment of pain throughout my body.


There is scientific proof that chronic depression and chronic pain feed off each other.  It is also a fact that these illnesses are both invisible illnesses.  We can't look at a person living with these conditions and know, without some outward indication, that they are suffering.

For me, I keep the pain hidden.  I might mention if something acute happens or that I need to see a doctor but for the most part, I am joking and running errands.  Sometimes I have to sleep quite a bit.  Sometimes more things hurt than normal.  Just like when I accidentally smashed my hand in car door and just pulled it out and shook it, holding in the scream, daily I do the same with my chronic illnesses.

My mind and body are screaming, so loudly.   Don't touch me! I don't want to go out!  I literally cannot STAND to cook.  Please,I need more sleep! Sometimes I seem lazy to others.   I don't clean the way I need to or eat the things I need to because I haven't got the energy even for 15 minutes of doing this or that. More often than not, I suck it up.  I drive myself and my roommate to our appointments and do the shopping.  I smile and laugh and joke in person.  I keep things light with silliness or puns or sarcasm.

But when I go to bed and it's just me and my mattress, I cry.  I take copious amounts of medications to relax painful muscles, soothe inflamed joints and knock myself out.  And then I sleep, as long as I can and get up and do it over again.

Right now, I am having a flare up of joint pain and tension.  It hurts to put my pants on.  It hurts to cut meat or brush my hair.  It exhausts me.  My body and mind are ready to turn off by 8 pm even if I've slept past noon.  It feeds the depression and I find myself struggling with hygiene and self harm thoughts. But I'm too tired to care. Too exhausted.  Until I HAVE to shower and shave and get dressed because there is this or that appointment or I cannot stand the sight of my unwashed hair in the mirror.  All the while my brain screams that it is too much.   That I don't care.  But also what I should be doing.

Chronic, invisible illnesses are a burden. They sap the strength out of us.  The key to surviving is finding support.  Good doctors, therapists and friends to draw from during the times that you cannot carry it alone.  I have an emotional support animal, a best friend who loves me always, and an excellent doctor that has given me alternative medicines that work better for me than others.  With them, the silent screams are a little less and the genuine smiles are more often. 

Find those who help in your silent screaming.  Those who support you and love you through every part of your invisible illnesses. You deserve happiness.  You deserve health.   Never give up.   Know there are others like you and you can find the support you need.  You deserve it.

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