Balance

"Life is a balance between what we can control and what we cannot. I am learning to live between the effort and the surrender."  ~Danielle Orner~

    People talk about balance often.  Most of the time we are either describing a physical sensation or a moral/philosophical situation in which we need to balance our responsibilities or weigh our choices.  I am going to write about balancing my mental health and a relationship.

    Recently, I accepted I am in an unequal relationship. (I'm not going to go into detail about the type of relationship.)  I put out a lot of effort into communicating with the person, keeping them updated on my life (the happy and the not happy), and wishing them love and good days.  The person, for their own reasons, often does not respond, even when it is a serious event.  The relationship was not always this way.  We used to lean on each other equally.  But life changed, for both of us.  I'd like to think it has, indeed, improved greatly for our individual situations.  As time has gone by, I found myself feeling put off by giving and not getting at least a sociable return on the effort.  I asked two things of this person, knowing lives get busy, honesty and communication.  And while they are genuine and honest and kind when they interact with me, they often fail to communicate.  I have decided I need to balance this relationship, if only in my mind.

    I have written about Radical Acceptance and letting go, in previous posts.  This is the process I went through in determining how to balance things.  I had to first accept that life is full of changes.  People change.  Time demands from work and life obligations change.  It is no one's fault.  It simply is.  Along with this, I accepted that I enjoy daily communication, usually through electronics or the phone.  The other person does not.  They find talking by phone or text exhausting and would rather be doing.  Again, not a fault, it just is.  These were things I was resisting in the past. 

    After acceptance, came letting go.  I had a talk, during deep breathing, with myself and God and detailed what I was letting go of.  Letting go of the pressure. Letting go of the worry.  Letting go of feeling not good enough. Letting go of the blame as to whose "fault" my frustration with the relationship was.  This is difficult.  Human nature is to cling to things, especially for those with mental health issues.  But only through these steps could I feel balanced in my emotions toward and my relationship with this person.

    This is where the balance comes to fruition.  Once all that was accepted and let go, peace replaced the frustrations.  Calm replaced the feeling of abandonment.  Understanding that life had changed us both and for both of us replaced the feeling of being unworthy of their attention.  This is how I balanced my mind and emotions in this particular relationship.

    Without balance, we go to extremes.  (In Mindfulness the balance is called wise mind)  We can be too emotion-driven or too logic-driven when unbalanced.  This can lead to harsh or quick responses to situations and people that might not be the best way to cope.  By practicing Mindfulness (radical acceptance, letting go, being present) and assuming everyone is doing the best they can in a given situation at any given time (the basis of interpersonal relationships) we can achieve balance, if only within ourselves.  But that is where everything begins.  Within.  And our example has an effect on those around us, perpetuating the balance in our daily lives.

    If you have not already attended a mindfulness group or a DBT skills group, I encourage you to do so.  Finding balance and maintaining it, recognizing where things are unbalanced and being able to have the skills to change that, are vital skills to live a healthier life. 



*If you have questions about anything I've written about, please message me or comment and I will get back to you as soon as I am able.